


Here to Hold You

by lasorciere



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Bad Parent Asmodeus (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Domestic Violence, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Good Sibling Jace Wayland, Graphic Bodily Injury, Guilty thoughts, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, I mean PAST suicide but still, I mean there's a lot of angst, Implied/Referenced Agression, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Self-Loathing, it shouldn't even have a different tag for asmodeus because this is the only one he deserves, slight mention of biphobia, the only part that's really graphic i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27440662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasorciere/pseuds/lasorciere
Summary: Magnus knows exactly where to go when things get tough at home. Especially now.It is not to where, but to whom.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 14
Kudos: 91





	Here to Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> Y’all! I’m back and welcome to HTHY!
> 
> First of all: Congrats, americans! Thanks for kicking that orange clown out of the presidency in a historic election! The world thanks y’all!  
> I hope the situation will repeat itself with the Brazilian Trump in 2022 (who i bet is crying in the dark corner of the room right now).
> 
> And as today is quite a day, I wanted to share with y’all this story that I wrote a few days ago, but I am afraid to say that it isn’t happy. Prepare the tissues and enjoy the tears. 
> 
> And please, READ THE TAGS. It may contain sensitive content and I don't want to trigger anyone. This is rated as Teen and Up Audiences bc I considered the content inappropriate for audiences under 12/13 y/o (bc there’s nothing graphic except bodily injury) according to the Brazilian Advisory Rating System. If I'm wrong, don't hesitate to tell me.
> 
> As always, forgive me for any grammar mistakes. English isn’t my first language and I don't have a beta, so feel free to correct me.
> 
> Y’all know who the characters belong to, don't you? They aren’t mine.
> 
> Hope y’all like this! Later! LS x

_Will you breathe through me?_ _  
And calm the storm inside  
Just breathe through me  
We'll keep the fires alight  
I'll face down the world with you_

Magnus rings the doorbell only once and desperately hopes it will be enough.

He sees that it is when a shadow slides across the light that passes through the fogged stained glass of the door, the scratched sounds of locks being opened invading his senses weakly. He forces his jaw to work in a way that he can open his mouth to speak when the door opens in front of him.

“Magnus?”

He knows he’s not at his best at all. He’s wet from head to toe, cold water running down to his muddy sneakers; Leaving his trail on the stairs across the porch and finally, to the threshold where he is standing. Snot drips from his nose, where he passed his forearm all the way there in an attempt to contain it. His entire body is shaking and he can barely support the weight of his body.

It certainly isn't the most suitable appearance to be welcomed by a woman like that.

“Mrs Lightwood, I know it's late and I shouldn't be bothering at this hour...”

“Magnus, what happened? What in the name of God...” Maryse looks appalled. She took his arm, oblivious, and Magnus did his best not to hiss audibly. “Come in! We need to get you out of this rain!”

Magnus stumbles through the door, not even being able to say anything before Maryse removes the bag loosely hanging from his back, immediately feeling the relief of the small gesture. His plaid shirt, the first thing he thought about wearing over his thin cotton T-shirt and which hadn’t served to protect him from the cold at all, is also pulled by the woman's nimble hands.

“Magnus, what happened to your face?”

God, he had forgotten. For a few minutes, the sharp contact with the icy raindrops during his way there distracted him. Now that Maryse speaks, he can focus on the strong burning on the left side of his face, more precisely in his eye.

He doesn't even want to imagine what he looks like now.

A lapse of understanding seems to cross the face of Mrs. Lightwood, which soon turns into deep lamentation. Magnus looks away, uncomfortable under the weight of her analysis.

“I’m- _I..._ ” he stammers, too embarrassed to know what to say. Maryse nods, caressing the spotless side of his face in a motherly touch that he wouldn't have known if it weren't for her. “Could you-“

“I'll get him.”

But soon, they discover that there is no need. A voice that Magnus knows well reverberates through the room from the foot of the staircase.

“Magnus.”

Magnus lets out a long, tired, and desolate sigh in response. His shoulders fall and tears sting the corner of his eyes when he looks at the man in front of him.

Nothing. He can't say anything because he's too busy trying not to fall apart.

Magnus sees a single sign that a step will be taken in his direction and steps forward. He can no longer wait to get in touch with that body that has always provided him with the comfort he isn’t sure he deserves.

Before he knows it, his face is pressed against the soft cotton of a T-shirt that smells of all the scents that he can't describe at the moment, but that feel like coming home.

His _real_ home, where he never wants to leave.

_Alexander._

He processes arms around him, keeping him as if he is the most precious thing in the world. It takes some time before he realizes he's hardly crying this time. He can barely breathe, drowning in his own fears wrapping him like so many times in his life, coming in waves that bring him down and pull him deeper and deeper. He feels that he can collapse at any time, if it weren't for the voice whispering in his ear, asking him to calm down and count. Asking him to inhale and exhale.

“Please, Magnus. _Breathe._ Come on babe, you can do it.”

Magnus is sure that there are not many things in this world that he’s not able to do for this man. So, he forces his body to obey. It isn’t easy, but when he starts to focus on the other's heartbeats and keep track of the count, he feels that little by little he can swim with the current, not against it. Thanks to the man in his arms, he realizes that he’ss not on the verge of imminent fainting.

He notices Alec's heart racing. He's nervous and it's all Magnus to blame. Magnus is worrying him. But Alec doesn't seem to mind the big mess he is and proves to be every day.

There is no way to know how much time passes. All he can catch are sweet words of comfort murmured in his hair, the aggressive rain bouncing against the huge windows and subtle steps around the room. Probably Maryse tidying up the mess he brought to their door.

He knows he owes explanations. But he’s tired. So, _so tired._

He just wants this day to end.

Gently, he lets go of Alec's arms, still not looking at him. He doesn’t fail to catch the boy's considerable gasp, his hazel eyes fixed on Magnus's face.

“Magnus.” he can hear pure pain in the tone of his voice. He closes his eyes against the intensity.

“Alec, he needs to change or he’ll be sick.” Maryse makes herself present again, giving Magnus some clothes which he recognizes as belonging to Alexander. “Here, my dear. You can change in Alec's room. I'll make you some tea to calm you down.”

Magnus thinks about protesting, but he’s soon interrupted.

“It isn’t a bother. You’ll have tea and then, if you want to talk or just sleep, it’s up for you to decide.”

He knows he's useless against the Lightwoods.

“Thank you, Mrs-” under the warning look that he knows so well, he immediately corrects himself. “Maryse. Thank you.”

She smiles kindly and kisses him on the forehead. Before she leaves to the kitchen, Alec calls her.

“Mom, Magnus is going to sleep with me.”

She says nothing, just waves and leaves.

 _So easy,_ Magnus thinks. Any mother would freak out. Alec is lucky.

His train of thought is interrupted when Alec gently pulls his wrist towards the staircase.

“Come on. You need to dry off.”

❦  
  


He’s left alone for a while. Magnus thanks internally, which has nothing to do with Alec. Magnus just needs to put his thoughts in order.

In front of the bathroom mirror, he looks at his own reflection.

_He hates what he sees._

And he looks just _awful._ There is no other word for it.

The swelling in his eye is worse than he imagined, taking on a disgusting shade of purple. The white part around his iris is red, blending with the brown of his pupils. The bruise will stay there for days, reminding him of the pain and shame that floods him every time he remembers who is responsible for all that.

Some excoriations around the ribs and scratches on the arms are also there, making fun of him so he doesn't forget that night so early.

The words he must have gotten used to are echoing in his head like a cursed mantra, destined to always put him in disgrace with himself.

He takes a deep breath and groans with the least effort. It _hurts. Outside and inside._

He starts to put on the olive sweater that Maryse gave him, but is stopped by Alec's sudden voice.

“Wait.”

Magnus knows that he should’ve been a little faster and dressed fully before Alec returned to the room. He doesn't want Alec to see him like this.

_The personification of defeat._

He doesn't look at Alec when he enters the bathroom lit only by the lamps next to the mirror. He can feel the breath against his back, close to his neck. That breath tends to shudder him in all the right places, but he just can't think about it on a night like this.

A few deadly minutes pass and Magnus is sure he would hear the sound of a pin if it fell on the floor, given the disturbing silence. He knows that if he looked in the mirror's reflection, he would see that Alec's hazels are burning in each of his wounds, as if he could heal them simply by looking at them.

Magnus wishes it were that simple.

“We need to take care of these bruises.”

Only then did Magnus notice the small bucket he brought to the bathroom, placing it over the sink with a soft tinkle.

Alec dips his hand into the bucket and pulls out a wet cloth. He looks at Magnus in a clear request for permission and Magnus nods in agreement.

And then, Alec presses the compress on Magnus' skin as smoothly as he can, but Magnus can't help the small jump he makes with the shock in his senses. Fortunately, Alec knows when to stop before the ice burn is too much. He lets Magnus recover for a few seconds before repeating the process. Alec copies the procedure on Magnus' back and arm, listening for the slightest discomfort he is making. Always attentive, like everything he does.

Alec discards the cloth when it’s warm in his hands and pulls another one out of the bucket, a smaller one, for the black eye. He pours some saline solution that he brought with him, also cold. Magnus takes a deep breath before he can proceed, because he knows that the eye is a sensitive area and that it will probably hurt more than the rest of the body.

He's right. Really _hurts._

He cannot contain the tears that are streaming down his bruised eye. Soon he cries again, the physical pain rivaling the pain in his soul, which he knows is no match.

“You have no idea how badly I want to kill him.” Alec whispers and after so long in silence, it sounds like thunder reverberating through his bones. And then, Magnus realizes what other feeling he wanted to capture in Alec's voice when he murmured his name in the living room moments ago, when Alec paid attention to his face for the first time in the night.

It was _anger._

The same anger is present in every syllable now.

He could lie. He could say anything to divert Alec's mind from the homicidal thoughts he most likely is having. Magnus is close enough to feel all of Alec's muscles tense. He gives up before he even tries.

Alec knows him with every fiber of his being.

“It was my fault.” he shrugs. “I teased him. I deserved it.”

“Nobody deserves that, and neither do you. He's a fucking junkie, Magnus. It isn’t your fault to have him as a father. _If_ he can be called a father.”

Magnus lowers his head, eyes burning again. He knows that Alec is right, he knows. But the words he heard before he slammed his door and faced the rain to get help from the Lightwoods are hammering in his memory, as loud and threatening as the crashing rain.

But his father is also right, about everything he said. His mother took her own life in order not to deal with the burden that is the son of an abuser, who later became a drug addict because the useless child and bisexual young man was too much to be carried sober.

He spat it all out in his face before, during and after hitting him. It was something he had _always_ said. And he would have continue to do so if Magnus hadn’t run.

He can't tell Alec everything. He's angry enough already. He fears that Alec will do something reckless because of him and his battered conscience doesn't know if he can take any more blame. But for some reason, Magnus feels he doesn't have to speak. He feels that Alec knows every word that has been said and unspoken just by looking at him.

Magnus takes a deep breath and tries to smile, without any success.

“Don’t worry. It was the first and last time he did this to me.”

He has taken his family problems to Alec before. But things have never gotten so out of control as tonight. A broken bottle, a punch to the wall sometimes. Altered voices, tables turned. But it had never reached the physical level. He thought he would never reach that point.

How _foolish_ he was.

“He's not going to hurt me anymore, Alexander.”

“No, he won't. I talked to my mom. Luke is coming in the morning.”

Magnus's gaze is alarmed. Alec, on the other hand, doesn’t have an ounce of uncertainty on his face.

“Alexan-”

“No, Magnus.” Alec interrupts him, steady in a non-harsh way. He's not mad at Magnus, but what happened to him. “You need to press charges. You cannot leave Asmodeus free after that.”

And then, after a few more seconds in silence:

“What are you afraid of, Magnus?”

Magnus opens his mouth, but he can't come up with a reason. In the same way that he can't explain why Asmodeus - the father who never wanted him and who he never asked to have - had so much control over him that he beat the shit out of him. How to explain something to someone when it doesn't even make sense to yourself?

“I-I don’t know.”

Then he faces Alec again. Alec, _patient Alec_ , never pushing him and letting him organize his turbulent thoughts.

“You're right. Yes, I’m scared,” Magnus finally let it all out, without reservation. And then, it looks like a dam breaks. “Scared of what he can do to me. Or to you. He knows how important you are to me, Alexander. I'm afraid that he will try to hurt you or worse, that he’ll succeed. I don't know what I’d do if something happened to you. I don't know what to do, I don’t-”

Magnus can't even finish the sentence because an ugly sob rips his throat and pops between his lips, without permission. In the next moment, he’s again in Alec's arms, shaking and crying.

Alec tries to calm him down as best he can, in the way that only he knows. With words.

Words that, as far as Magnus knows, he would move skies and mountains to maintain and fulfill.

“You are allowed to have fears, Magnus. It's normal. But he can't hurt me. He can't and he won't.” Alec whispers, resting his chin on Magnus' head. “Look what he did to you. Do you think I care about me when I'm seeing you like this? The only life I fear for is yours, if you don't put him behind bars.”

Alec lets go of Magnus to look him in the eye. Hazelnut against golden brown.

“I can't lose you to him. And I won’t.”

Magnus nods, too tired to fight the tide.

“You are coming with me? To the police station, with Lucian?”

“Are you really asking me that?” Alec lets out a little laugh that Magnus accompanies, but the humor in it soon dies as fast as it came. “I would go to hell for you, Magnus Bane.”

Magnus knows that Alec means _every word._

 _  
_❦  
  


After taking a little more care of Magnus' wounds, including compresses, disinfections and a hot bath that didn't take long — but necessary, Alec finally takes him to his bed, where his mother had been kind enough to place the tea tray on the bedside table, along with some painkillers, anti-inflammatories and a pain relief spray.

“Your mom must hate me for the trouble I'm giving.” Magnus says, suppressing a groan while sitting on Alec's bed, who offers him one of the cups along with some pills.

“Far from it. She made that tea you taught her. I wouldn't call it hate.” Alec chuckles, sitting next to Magnus. “These remedies must help with the pain. You need to rest. We have a long morning ahead of us.”

They are silent for a while which, unlike the moments of that night, was comfortable.

“Will you sleep with me?”

“Can you sleep with someone else being like this?” on anyone else it would sound like a tease, but Magnus knows that Alec is being genuine in asking. Worried every step of the way. “I thought you would throw me out of my own bed.”

And for the first time on that doomed day, Magnus laughs. He places the unfinished cup of tea back on the tray and makes an effort to position himself on Alec's huge bed. He lifts the blankets where the space next to him easily fits another person.

“Come here.”

Alec obeys. In a few seconds and with extreme care, he’s lying on the pillows with Magnus on his chest, his whole weight resting on the less painful side of his body. They get a decent arrangement so that Magnus can rest.

A few minutes pass where they just hear to each other's breathing, illuminated by the weak light of the bedside lamp that between the energy fluctuations caused by the storm, flashes now and then. Magnus breathes a little harder at times, sniffling, the result of gettin’ wet in the rain for almost an hour.

Alec sees that Magnus hasn't slept yet, because he can feel him playing with the hem of his oversized sweater.

“Alexander?”

“Hm?”

“How can you love someone _like me?_ ”

Magnus feels Alec stiffen completely under him.

“Where is this coming from, Magnus?”

“I have a drugged and abusive father.” Magnus can't keep his fingers still. Soon he’s tracing circles on Alec's chest, the nails of a black polish peeling at the ends dragging through the fibers of the shirt. “What if I end up becoming like him?”

 _There it is._ The silence again. Alec believes that those issues haven’t left Magnus's head since they met, but that only now has he had enough courage to put them out.

Carefully, Alec seeks Magnus's attention. He wants to be looking at him when he says the next words.

“Magnus Bane, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I don't care who your dad is, or where you came from.”

Magnus has the willpower not to look away.

“I care who you are.”

Magnus' eyes water again. This time, for all the right reasons.

“And you are the furthest thing from your drugged and abusive father. Never forget that. Because I will be here to remind you, everyday, that you are _nothing_ like him.”

Magnus nods, because _damn,_ he doesn't know what would become of him without Alec Lightwood in his life. That man who gives himself completely, but asks so little in return just for the opportunity to be with Magnus and make him happy in the way that only he knows and that Magnus allows.

The way Magnus _never_ thought it would be.

Magnus sighs and, not knowing how he spent the whole night without it, pulls Alec in for a kiss. He knows that he is sometimes emotionally constipated to say what he feels, but he tries to transmit every drop of what he feels for Alec at the touch of his lips and tongues. At that moment, between hugs and lightning, he remembers something he can't forget.

That Alec loves him far beyond his pains and fears.

❦  
  


Alec cannot sleep.

Outside his room, the rain still leaves its mark on the window. His bedside lamp has long since given way to power outages and the room is now partially illuminated by lightning.

His attention turns once more to Magnus, finally affected by the effects of painkillers and the natural tranquilizer a few hours ago.

He can't even define what he felt when he saw Magnus being supported by his mother in his living room. He just was sure of what he always knew — that Asmodeus finally showed how unworthy he is to be the father of someone like Magnus.

Sooner or later, he’d hurt him. Magnus has a very good heart to notice that coming. Now all he wants to do is take his boyfriend's pain and make it his own. If possible, he’d be the first to volunteer for this.

The only person who really deserves to suffer is blocks away, certainly not having the slightest conscience or remorse for what he did.

A soft knock is heard from the door. He looks at the digital clock he keeps on his table, showing that i _t’s a quarter after four_ _._ He has an idea of who is.

Extremely careful not to hurt or disturb Magnus, he manages to get up after a few seconds. He thinks he heard Magnus murmuring in his sleep what seemed to be his name, but he knows that he’s too far away in his subconscious, exhausted by trauma and tiredness to really wake up.

At least he's not having any nightmares.

_Blessed be Maryse Lightwood's healing methods._

Tiptoeing to the door, he opens it and stands in the hallway, trying to muffle any outside noise that might disturb his boyfriend's sleep.

“Hey, man. I knew you'd be awake.” Jace struggles to keep his voice down and Alec mentally thanks his brother. “Maryse told me about Magnus. How is he?”

“Tired out of his mind. Physically...Mentally.” Alec says simply, coming over to lean against the railing of the stairs, leaving the door ajar to keep an eye on Magnus.

“Did he tell you what happened?”

Alec sums it up for his brother, obviously leaving out the personal parts that Magnus confided to him because they were too intimate for Jace to know. Alec keeps the narrative focused on Asmodeus and what he had done with his own son.

“Son of a bitch.” Jace grits his teeth. “Mom said that Luke will take care of this.”

“Yes, he will. But my blood is boiling, Jace. I know Luke is extremely competent at what he does and that he’ll put that fucked-up in jail, but-”

“But?”

“I want to send him to jail the way he desserves.” Alec hisses. “I want to do with him worse than he did with Magnus. I want to leave him wrecked to the point he doesn't have a choice until he waits for the police to arrive to take him.”

Jace doesn't need any more words. He knows exactly what Alec means. They grew up together and he can read Alec with just one look.

“Luke will be here around nine. Mom can't know. And I need to be back before Magnus wakes up.”

Jace nods, a half smile on his lips that reaches his bicolor eyes.

“So we have time.”

Alec looks equally confident.

“Let's give that bastard some of the pain he caused.”

  
  


_I'll face down the world with you_

**Author's Note:**

> PS: The lyrics used at the beginning and end of the chapter are from the song I Hold You, by Clann.
> 
> I hate Asmodeus, i really do. In whatever universe he’s in.  
> Protective!Alec? Yes, ma’am. Magnus deserves the world and Alec will happily give it to him.
> 
> Angst is really my comfort zone. You will see many of my stories where I’ll want until your last tear drop. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read this. I can't wait to hear what you guys think. Feel free to leave kudos, comments or criticism. 
> 
> And congratulations again. Today is a great day for the United States and also to the world. Celebrate, but remember to take the necessary precautions (due to covid-19) and drink lots of water to cure your hangover later.
> 
> I hope to see you again very soon.  
> Love, la Sorcière xx


End file.
